Book clubs are as different as readers. Some groups like to center their discussions on the characters in the novel, treating them as real people and speculating about their behaviors, motivations, and choices. Other book groups spend more time on the author’s decisions about structure, pacing, and symbolism. Still other groups prefer to concentrate on the issue(s) at the heart of the novel.

With that in mind, here are some questions intended to serve as an entry point for your group discussion, regardless of the focus of your book club.

Spoiler alert: In some cases, simply by posing the questions below, there are spoilers, so it is strongly suggested that you finish In the Family Way before reading any further!

DOWNLOAD questions or read below.

1. Words have meaning. Lily has words she doesn’t say because they make her feel uncomfortable. Why is that? Are there words you don’t use because they make you feel that way? What about Masturbation? Vulva? Clitoris? Vagina? Penis?

2. Lily describes herself as a housewife and mother. Is that derogatory? Was it derogatory in the 1960s? Today, “housewife” is often replaced with “She’s a stay-at-home mom.” What about this type of labeling?

3. What do you think of tradwives or the tradwife movement? (If these terms are unfamiliar to you, google them, because you could spend your entire book group meeting talking just about this!)

4. Why do you think the author chose to tell the story through multiple points of view versus a single, omniscient narrator?

5. Unlike today, divorce used to be uncommon. There was a stigma to it and as Rose learns, you needed a legal reason to end a marriage (No fault divorce wasn’t an option until 1969, when Governor Ronald Reagan signed it into law. Other states followed suit.) Discuss the change in divorce laws and whether you think it’s a change for the better.

6. Unlike today, when open adoption is the norm, Lily gives reasons why it was kept secret, sometimes even from the adopted child. She uses language that wouldn’t fly today to talk about adoption. “ . . . so no one has any way of knowing that the baby isn’t really theirs.” Discuss whether views about adoption have changed in your lifetime and, if so, the pros and cons of each approach. Make sure to talk about whether you think adoption is beneficial for the birth mother, not just the adoptive parents.

7. The Feminine Mystique came out in 1963, sold millions of copies and led to the creation of NOW (National Organization for Women). Friedan’s book was viewed as radical and criticized for its challenge to the status quo. Can you think of any other books that have had such a huge impact on society? Have you read Friedan’s book? If not, might it be a good selection for your book club to tackle next?

8. Becca believed that douching after sex was an effective form of birth control. Betsy didn’t even understand how a woman become pregnant, let alone how to prevent it. Today, there are still many states where sex education isn’t taught in schools and many more where what can and cannot be discussed in the classroom is closely regulated. What are your thoughts about teaching sex education in school, versus leaving it up to parents? Should there be a federal policy, or is relegating the decision to local schoolboards the answer?

9. Rose asks Lily not to tell David about Marty abusing and raping her; instead, she asks her sister to tell David the story about her tripping over the rolled socks and falling down the stairs. Lily tells David anyway. Why? Discuss the loyalty between sisters and/or friends versus loyalty to one’s spouse.

10. Lily tells David she doesn’t want there to be secrets between them. Yet Lily doesn’t tell David that Becca was “psychiatrist shopping,” hoping to secure a therapeutic abortion. Lily also fails to tell him that she keeps a pushke, or that she gave her pushke to Rose so her sister could afford an abortion. What are the conditions, if any, where you think it’s okay to keep secrets from your spouse?

11. Marty tells Rose he wanted to marry a virgin and Rose insinuates (to the reader) that she wasn’t honest with him about her sexual history. Why do you think one sister wants to keep nothing from her husband (or at least that’s what she says—see previous question) and the other is okay keeping “need to know” secrets? Discuss what effect, if any, you think this had on their marriages? Which approach do you think is best? And just because you may think one is best—if you’re married, do you practice what you preach?

12. Marty wants to be in control and is clearly threatened by Rose and her independent streak. She warns him that “Roses have thorns.” Do you think if Rose was more compliant (more like Lily) he would have been violent toward her? What is at the core of domestic violence? What’s at the core of rape?

13. Rose is the only wife in the novel who is not financially dependent on a man for her support/lifestyle—but that’s only true when she leaves her husband. What role did money play in a woman’s self-sufficiency in the 1960s? What about today? How about for women who do not earn a paycheck?

14. Pay packets. (You don’t need a question—just discuss—making sure to include how finances work in households today, especially for women who don’t work outside the home.)

15. Similarly, pushkes. Is it ethical to take money from the household budget and keep it for yourself, as Lily and Rose do, (and as their mother did)?

16. The out-of-town-boy doesn’t even have a name. Why do you think the author made that choice? Speaking of names, each chapter begins with a name, and the married women are identified using their husband’s first name. (Many formal invitations still follow that convention.) It’s not until the last section, in 1985, that Dr. Elizabeth Perry and Jo-Jo Berg are identified by their own names. Do you get wedding invitations or holiday cards addressed to you using your husband’s name as in “Mr. and Mrs. [husband’s first name] Last Name? Do you find that objectionable?

17. If you’re married: Did you take your husband’s last name when you wed? Why or why not? If you had it to do over again, would you make the same choice?

18. Betsy’s mom sends her away and tells her that after giving birth and signing the adoption papers, Betsy can return home and act like “nothing ever happened.” After the birth, Raven House discourages contact between the family and the unwed mother for the same reason. When David tells Lily about Rose’s miscarriage, he says the same thing. Discuss your thoughts about the “sweep it under the rug” mentality, (which was also how they dealt with domestic violence back then).

19. Which character changes the most from the start of the novel until its conclusion?

20. How close are we today to the atmosphere and laws of the mid-sixties, when abortion was a crime?

21. How close are we today to the atmosphere that allowed for restricted women’s rights (as detailed in Lily’s letter to her daughters) as we were in the mid-sixties?

22. Rose quotes Shakespeare and Lily quotes TV shows. Why did the author do this and what does it say about each woman?

23. When Lily asks David if she’s being selfish to ask for her pushke back after Rose’s “miscarriage,” he knows Rose will not have the money, which forces him to come clean. He begins by telling Lily that this is the first time he’s done such a thing. What do you think Lily’s response is to his confession?

24. Speaking of selfish: In the 1960s, unwed mothers were told it was selfish to keep their babies and that adoption was the loving thing to do—to give your baby to a two-parent family who could afford to properly care for it. Nowadays, it’s abortion that’s perceived as selfish—women seeking abortions just want to get rid of their babies to make things easier for themselves. Discuss.

25. Lily worries that she’s not a good-enough mother and she berates herself for turning over some of her parenting responsibilities to Betsy (and to Kathy before her.) She asks, “What kind of mother doesn’t want to spend every waking moment with her perfect child?” If you’re a mother, did you/do you ever feel that way? Is it a sentiment you considered or understood before having children?

26. A typical 1960s marriage required men to provide a living and women to manage hearth, home, and children. Based on your own marriage, or those of people close to you—how much have things changed?